So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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