I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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