just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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