I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I didn't notice because vodka
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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