Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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