Don't you send me to vm
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
