I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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