When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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