I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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