My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
