dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
