You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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