He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just invented taco cereal.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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