Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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