Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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