Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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