dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
