Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
