my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
