aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
