I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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