I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
People in love make me want to vomit
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
