I am spending my child support on dildos
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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