We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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