maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
