have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
