The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
