Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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