So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
