I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
