you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
