I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
