1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
