My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
