Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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