after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
