I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
