Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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