you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
