Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
