Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
