im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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