so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
