I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
