How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
