cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
