The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
