I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize