whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
