if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
