I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
