They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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