Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
