And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
