Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize