I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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