I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
