mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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