Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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