I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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