remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
