Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
