I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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